sorry...

pardon me as I ramble.
I'm feeling really depressed all of a sudden. I mentioned not too long ago that I wasn't in a good mood today well my mood has gotten worse. I don't know why either.

I was looking at some drawings, fan art really, which usually puts me in the mood to draw. So I searched out my glasses, grabbed a pad, and a pencil and drew a circle. I didn't know what to draw but I ended up sketching myself...looking sad, holding my knees up to my chest, sitting on my waterbed. I turned the page-not really serious with the picture and drew another circle. Just bigger. I started to draw Apocalypse...or Genesis, could be either since I haven't put any distinguising marks on it yet. But I slowly stopped-before I got a chance to decide and put it down. I just feel icky inside.

I really feel lonely. I guess that is what you can call this. Once in seattle when I mentioned to two of my friends that I was feeling that way they asked me-lonely as in you want to be around people, lonely as in you want to meet new people, or lonely as in craving a relationship? At the time I was asked that it was really just needing to be around people since at the time I had been couped up in my apartment all alone, doing homework, then going to school, the going home, doing work. Most of the people I saw were class mates, teachers, or screennames. And though I may feel closer to a few of my online friends than I do compared to a few of my friends in real life...there is something about seeing an actual person you know? It's why I hate email and like hand written letters better. You have something physical that you can touch and hold, and see. The handwritting is unique and special...you know what this person was holding it at one point aswell. An email is so impersonal and so...formal is the best word I can think of.

But I guess right now I am both lonely as in the way of needing to be around people and have conversations too but also in the fact that I need someone. Or in reality...I need someone to need me. At the same time I don't feel good enough about myself to let that happen. But that still doesn't change the other feeling.

I can't also seem to organize my priorities right now. I have a few letters to write, laundry to do, my room is starting to get messy again, but I need to read a book...and at the same time there are things I wanna do. Work on my manga, color some pictures, finish fixing up my computer...oh and I do have a drawing to do for a friend. Actually two because I can't make up my mind which to do.

I feel like crying but the tears don't fall. I want to fall apart right now but my skin wont let me.

im going to go.